The Ten Commandments of the Liberal Emerging Church

Okay, maybe “commandment” is a little strong of a word for the post-modern crowd. How about “non-assertive suggestion”? Yes, that is much better. So without further adieu… here are the 10 Non-Assertive Suggestions of the Emerging Church:

1. Thou shall not claim to know the truth. However, if thou dost claim to know, thou shalt not proclaim it with any certainty. For it is thy truth, and not another’s. Both are acceptable, even if contradictory.

2. Know that truth is not knowable, if it even exists. (Except this truth, which is both of these things.)

3. Thy teachers must never preach, but rather hold two-way dialogues with their audiences. Thus, many will speak words but not much will be said.

4. Thou shall be cool by wearing hip, black-rimmed glasses and always keeping thy Starbucks Latte within close reach.

5. Ye shall convene in low-brow places like bars in order to be accessible and relevant. To win the lost, ye must look and act just like them.

6. Thou shall thumb thy nose at all authority, for God desires ye be rebellious.

7. Thou shall always vote Democratic, and whenever possible thou shall partner with secular governments to further liberal social causes through coerced charitable giving (otherwise known as taxes).

8. Thou shall regard Hell as a nasty, mean place, reserved only for murderers, child predators, and Calvinists.

9. Thou shall regard the Atonement of Jesus Christ as divine child abuse.

10. Thou shalt not insist that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven. Never shall thou plead with anyone to repent of their wicked ways and turn to Christ for the salvation of their souls.